didn't work...

i still have lurkers, hate-mailers, and probably a certain "someone" still spying on me...FUCK OFF!!!!!!!

ooh, the sky...

wow, the sky is blue...cool...oh wait...damn, time to go to work...and i suppose school will go as scheduled tomorrow, lol...

words of wisdom from a friend...

one of my dearest friends from up north gave me some very good words of wisdom...times of crisis, are also times for making amends with enemies and forming an alliance with them...how so? well, he was telling me that his family has made a truce with a rival family and have combined their efforts to help out those in San Bernardino...both have mutual friends that need(ed) help and things went even more smoothly once they settled their differences...with that in mind...none of us know exactly when our number is up...time is usually against everyone...i have known many a person that has died with unfinished business, and without ever knowing who will attend their funeral...i am making a formal apology to anyone i have offended, and any i have wronged...and i know that none of them are reading this, but it's something...i have done some very fucked up things in my past...things that i don't remember doing because of amnesia, but they are very well documented, and i have seen both video and pictures of my acts...in the words of my friend "i would much rather die with at least one rose on my grave, than to have it spit upon"

can't say i didn't try...

went to the red cross, got redirected to a place close to la jolla...went to the orientation, only to find out that they were completely booked solid...which is a very good thing...this shows me that the people are willing to help each other here...unlike my days in L.A. where everyone just has that "if it ain't my shit, i'm not worried about it" attitude during the riots...i remember it took Edward James Olmos himself to pick up a broom and start cleaning L.A. my father and i applauded his efforts...i had to work today...apparently i really am concidered "essential personnel"...i was feeling very headachy, tired, and dehydrated...a couple of my coworkers had to evacuate...and because the team is so small, it hits close to home...i had to check up on both of them, they are ok and very fortunate to still have a home standing...for now at least, and hopefully for good...in the meantime, i continue my work as an unofficial class leader and keep my classmates informed...at first i thought i was suddenly a phone operator, until my leadership traits took over and directed traffic instead of dealing with all of them individually...

it's been my nature...

in the words of my classmate:"Cpl V, always the boy scout"i can't save the world, but i can at least do my part...

i'm standing by...

well, i'm still not sure if i have to go to work tomorrow...checked with a few of my Marine buddies, they're ok...a lot of personal belongings were salvaged and stored in the vaerious meeting rooms and classrooms...good...and it's good to know that they also have a place to stay...my mother was about to call me, but i beat her to the punch...things were ironed out, and nice to know that my step-father was the one who wanted to call me, but he didn't know my number.after a while my lungs started to burn a bit, my throat was scratchy...a call was made out to volunteers...i wish i could...if i was SURE that i didn't have to go to work, i would be the first one there...i've always done that sort of thing...i'll have to call my boss...you see, if i don't work, my coworkers can't work at all...they depend on me to complete the task...i support a team of five...so if i am unable to work, then five guys can't get paid...if i don't have to work, then i'm off to do my volunteer work...i've already donated blood...i can't donate until i've recovered from the last time they sucked me dry...oh well, i should do what i can to support my friends at least...

not that i wasn't expecting this...

doesn't surprise me at all that my friends in L.A. and beyond have checked up on me...whether that be by e-mail or a phone call...San Diego has obviously made the news big time, and even L.A. itself has it's problems in San Bernardino, but still, i am grateful for having such friends to check up on me like that...as for my biological family...and even my mother...not one word...for all they knew i could have been living in that area again...doesn't surprise me...

this just can't be...not again...

so i had a good time with friends this morning...breakfast, then the farmer's market where we found some very cool stuff, and i took a very strange picture...but now, i get home and find some startling news...at first i joked at the idea that my "brethren" are in trouble...well, they really are in trouble right now...some have been evacuated, and others are coming in to help get their personal belongings out of there...Marines really are a Band Of Brothers...one of us is in trouble, ten more will come to help...i asked if i could help, but they tell me that i might not be able to get there if i tried...my best goes out to them, and those that have lost much this day...again, all i can do, is wait...

rude awakenings...

for a second there i thought i was living in L.A. again...the red sky, no sun...and i got awakened by the sound of a siren...cop pulled up to the alleyway "San Diego Police, Open the door!!" then some yelling some struggling...and this guy got arrested, got put in the back, and man does this guy have a pair of lungs...even with the windows rolled up, i could hear him yelling loud and clear...i thought they were killing him or something...

R

hmm, pirate party....not what i expected...for all the hype, and the success of the other events...this one (in my own opinion) blew chunks...Argh! you say? i know i was...out of frustration, and no, not in that way...i wasn't the only one that thought so either, i knew many that decided to "abandon ship"and to quote one of my lady friends, "this party is so ghey!"i wasn't able to because i didn't go stag...well, i did and i didn't...i took a friend of a friend since i didn't want the ticket to go to waste...surprisingly, she was actually looking for me when i did my disappearing act...i just thought i'd leave her with her best friend, i guess i was wrong...lines everywhere, super long, drinks, very overpriced and watered-down, and the music...well what can i say? i'm not a Britney Spears fan (well, maybe just her looks, not her music)...and i was often overhearing others saying that they will never go to another Brotherhood party again...that's where i stepped in and tried to change their minds...not everyone can be happy, we all have our good days, and our bad days...with that in mind...now i will at least get on to the good things that happened today...the pre-flight party across the street at the Holiday Inn...met a bunch of cool people who gave me drinks and got me a good buzz before the party started...got to spend lots of time chatting away with friends in line after line, and way in the back away from the bad music...lots of good conversations...costumes...totally dug the costumes i saw, took a few pics, shoulda taken more...i got lots of props for my outfit, many, many thanx go out to those that liked it, especially those that recognized who the hell i was...then there was the after-party dinner at Denny's...again, good conversations with friends, good and happy times freaking out the customers with our various costumes...we had Scorpion, a pimp, a mobster, a doctor, and of course, a pirate...all in all, i'd say that my evening was split down the middle...basically a draw, lol...i'll have to see how this new year's eve party goes...

a look into the future...

again, i thought this evening was going to go well...i had planned on staying home after school and putting the finishing touches on "Scorpion"...but after a conversation with someone from my past, i just wanted to scream, i knew i had to calm down...a nap usually does it, this time it only helped...i tried to keep from drinking too much, but with the many thoughts that came to my head, it was almost impossible...in my own way, i wanted to supress that demon i keep hidden behind my eyes...the last thing i want to do right now is to lose myself...and even then, i wondered if i in fact am myself when i talk to people...i wonder too much why more often than most, my kindness is answered with hate...what causes someone to do that? or even, what am i doing to cause such behavior in others?...i don't want to be that person from my past...it was fate that caused me to lose all memory of him, and it was curiousity that ended up bringing him back...i wanted to know who i was, and suddenly i didn't want to know him anymore...i remember the last time i lost it...i remember the look on the guy's face, the look of fear...i remember how helpless everyone around me felt as i pummeled his face into the concrete...no one wanted to get near me because i would end up turning on them...the guy on the ground was in fact one of them, he wasn't my primary target...he got involved, and i crushed him...he was innocent...father once told me that man can live on vengeance alone, and it becomes addicting...he was completely right...i was gifted with a strong mind...and that's what actually worries me the most, is the fact that i know how to play this game...i have too many demons haunting me...and as much as i want to expel every single one of them, it's people like her that give me a reason to keep those demons around...and i can only think of one way to supress them...very sad...

how amusing...

it doesn't surprise me that once again i am the one being blamed for shit going down...

old wounds...

i'm still trying to heal...and i am reminded of my scars...then i see them open up fresh again...i don't know if i will ever heal...

hired help?...

got another job offer, this time a bit closer to home...this time it's in Oceanside...i declined the interview and everything because i've come to realize a lot of things...What company would allow me to be two hours late for work and still allow me to come home early? What company would keep me employed, even when there is no work to be found? What company would allow me to dress and act the way i do without getting into any trouble? Allow me to sleep on the job and everything else, just as long as i got the job done. period.MY company, that's who!...i luv my job, and i should learn to appreciate it more...after work i decided to pay redpooka a visit, maybe even loan her my gameboy with a few games or so...once i got there, she was in the process of being transfered...funny, everyone was getting out of my way and treating me like an FBI agent...i forgot to take off my work tag...it makes me look important sometimes, hehe...anyway, she sure had a lot of stuff...i made myself useful and helped her mommy carry all of her stuff to the car, she would have never done that by herself in one trip, sure was kinda heavy too...i tried meeting up with them at Kaiser Permanente Zion, where she is at now, but i got there before any of them since i knew the backroads well and traffic sucked...didn't do me any good trying to find out where she would be staying since i didn't know her last name...so i got a bagel, grabbed some java and headed home via more backroads...for those that don't know how to get there, 8 freeway to 15N, Friars Rd East, turns into Mission Gorge, make a right on Zion, flip off the Vons protesters and turn right...yeah, i'm evil...i flipped off the workers after i found out that i pay a hell of a lot more fees than they do, and i'm single...bastards should feel lucky they aren't being used as much as my company uses me...at least i already stated the tradeoffs there...my company uses me and pays me my wage (significanly lower than someone that actually DOES have a degree) and i get the job done. period.

rise and shine...

well, i went to work yesterday super early and still got there late...i've realized that i'm always going to start my work at 8ish no matter what because of the fuckin' long ass line trying to get into the Naval Station, so fuck it...and OMIFREAKINBUDDHA!!!!! i just realized that i got 4 out of 6 number in the Cali Lottery!!!!!!!...two more numbers and i could have been 76 Million richer...oh well, jackpot's up to around 90some million now...time for me to get another ticket and think of numbers again...strange, i based my numbers entirely on mathematics and probability formulas...so yeah, i used a calculator...damn...i don't have my glasses yet and i'm already proving myself a nerd...blast it, i'm putting on my contacts now...such a bitch to put on too...just when i think i got it, i notice the lens is on my finger...ugh...

stress + frustration = ?

fuck, i've just about had it with these two instructors...i thought it was just me, but when someone you knew who was also an "A" student is struggling, then i know something is up...i'm just about ready to quit this damn school, but i'm already halfway through...fuck it...i never quit...

more than expected on a sunday...

so started of the day with bagels...cool...got there a bit late because of my contacts...i struggle so much putting them on...afterwards i went to Starbucks...and as a disclaimer, i am not abandoning the ninja clan, i swear...anyway, i joined what i like to call the "Video Game" group, since a good majority of them are in one way or another involved in making them...then i walked around the mall, still looking for a date for this saturday, hehe...found a potential one at Hot Topic, that's a plus...still gotta get word from the Bud Light chick...bought a few goodies, including the new Batman game...it's very much like the Hunter: Reckoning game, only it has Batman, Robin, Nightwing, and Batgirl...very good game so far...did my laundry, cleaned my room...was debating on going to the air show despite heavy traffic...didn't...finished putting the glow in the dark stars on my ceiling...a constant reminder of my L.A. friends...the way we used to sit near the Hollywood letter and talk about anything and everything...get high, drunk, fuck, etc.later on in the evening, i was joined by mistresabsynthe for a round of coffee, sanwiches, and cheesecake at Lestat's where i first saw katerwaul who told us that Mr. namey was outside...so he got a text message that said "go inside" or something like that...got on some very good conversations about anything and everything, and gave her some air show stuff...there are just some things that i find a lot of beauty in, that i want the world to know and remember such things...there are some events in life that should never be forgotten...even events that happened when i wasn't even born...i have a handful of reminders of past wars...including this recent Gulf War 2, Vietnam, and The Battle Of Tarawa...i gave away my volcanic ash from The Battle of Iwo Jima...you know, that famous picture where the Marines are raising that American flag on top the mountain? no? then do your homework...hopefully i can find some soil from The Battle of Bellau Wood...anyway, off to go into my coffin...

not bad for a beginner...

First off, the airshow was fuckin' awesome!!! everyone should go, it's free too dammit...this is NOT about George Dubya, and this is NOT about Saddam...this is about the men and women in the armed forces wanting to put on a show for everyone to see...they are giving everyone a free performance...fuckin' awesome...i formally invite EVERYONE to go see it...it was strange when i saw all the practice shows this morning (i didn't want to stick around for the huge crowd)...it's like, i was watching all this beauty, all these phenominal perfomers...and all i could think was that i totally want to share this experience with everyone out there...did i mention it's free???once i got home, i took a nap, headache from hell caused by dehydration...got a phone call from the eye doc who told me my contacts were in...everyone was cool until i mentioned that i have never worn contacts before...only glasses...so after some lessons and a bit of difficulty, i have a trial pair to practice for the good ones i have...i have no insurance, so those cost me close to 200 bones...i'd rather tear up the trial pair...so yeah, she was supposed to give me a set of blue eyes, to distinguish where the contact is, but she only had one, so i got a green one two...she didn't think i'd be ok with it...harder than i thought...had to leave Sabbat rather early because my eyes started drying up and i didn't bring my drops...what a relief it is to take them off, hehe...oh well, i won't have to worry about contacts in the future...i guess i'll just look like a geek with my glasses...i just don't think it suits me...back in the day my friends in the corps told me that i looked good in them, i dunno...i'll have to see...oh yeah, i did good today...only one drink at the club...didn't drink and drive home either...

da plane, da plane!!!

so yeah, i'm up this early to go to the air show and get a good parking spot at the barracks...yeah, i cheat, hehe...strange how you sometimes take things for granted...out of the four years i spent at Miramar, i only went to one show...and after having 9/11 cancel one show, and traffic making me miss another...i want to make it out to this one...you don't miss things until they are gone...hopefully i'll be back early...i don't really want to stick around long...the sun really drains me...hmm, i wonder if they'll let me bring a camera...note to self...remember to bring ear plugs...

past and present...

i met up with a certain someone this evening...even though she hurt me in the past, i couldn't help but remember the good times we had...i remembered how she made me smile and feel good about myself...then as always, i remember the pain...i remember how hurt i was that evening she betrayed me...and how she along with her "partner" laughed at me...i know that people change every day...and even at times, it only take a few moments for someone to be chastised...but i am still uncertain about her...all i could do this evening was contemplate my future...at least once a year, i am given a new path in life, and whether or not i take it is entirely up to me...this new path leads to fame and fortune, the hard part is getting there...i am very capable of doing such things...but again, i have a problem...a very big problem...alcohol...again, i have embraced the substance...and again i have fallen into it's grasp...i have friends that are willing to help me get through that road...but i have to give up a lot of things...one of them being that dreaded substance...i am a slave to alcohol...it is my only release from the constant pain i feel...i need to train harder...that's what they expect of me...they want me to be the best, and if i train, i will be...i am very capable of that goal...i have to get through this...

mixed countries...

alrighty, i've got England and Portugal...anyone want to trade for Spain?...c'mon...someone help out this Spic who looks like a Mex and acts like a Gring and talks like a Jap...

bad timing, and bad eyesight...

so it's an hour past midnight, ready to go to bed...the last thing i want to deal with is a couple of bills in my face and being asked to write out a check for each of them....uhm, how about no? not without my black book, and not while i'm tired...not that i can't pay my part or anything, i handle money matters during the day when i can get into my "corporate" mood...money matters aside, now to my eyesight...well, i had my first appointment with the eye doctor in over a decade or so...maybe less...long ago i wore glasses, but later on i managed to get Uncle Sam to hook me up with some experimental treatment to correct my eyesight...i won't go into detail, but it involved being wide awake with my eyes forced open like the dude from Clockwork Orange...not painful, but VERY strange...i came out with even better vision than before, and of course, a few minor side effects, but it was worth it...ask me about it sometime...anyway, i'm going to end up needing glasses again...i've been suspecting as much...the majority of people in this world are right-handed...one such right-hander introduced his atomic fist to my left eye...i was not only surprised that he didn't hit enough flesh to cause a black eye, but that i was still even conscious...this was a big strong steroid loving fuckin' A...i was temporarily blinded, and was fortunate to have others come in and hold him back...as much as i would have enjoyed a good fight, if there's nothing in it for me, i don't even want to bother putting the gloves on...the next morning i noticed that my left eye was a bit blurry...weeks went on and i was able to correct it on my own, but not enough to see like before...so i made an appointment with the eye doc...well, it seems that my left eye is still bad, but it will get better later on...in the meantime, i have glasses now...i don't want to wear them tho...

it's not monday...

strange...i feel like knocking over my fuckin' cubicle...huh? that wasn't my cubicle? oh...i don't even have a cubicle...oops...i need a vacation...at least it's payday tomorrow...

lack of caffeine...

so my projects aren't done...no biggie, i'm not the only one...didn't eat all day, xcept for a small tuna sandwich at around 10am ish...get home, took a short nap while the rice was cooking...fried it, added some ingredients...served, then i was about to serve myself something to drink, and whattayaknow?someone killed the fuckin' coke...well, at least i had a cup full...and who knows, maybe it was just me and didn't noticed...hmm, maybe i need to keep a secret stash or something...it was the cat...i fuckin' knew it, what a bitch, she should get her own soda...at least i still have sake...oh, and cha zou buns...those are good...time to get some coffee...and more soda...my fridge is empty...need to get cans, i guess i'll have to cross the picket line tonight...unless they actually go to sleep...

i'm flinching already...

something big is going to happen...i had a discussion with my friends last ngiht at Hooters...this time i am so not ready...maybe i was last time, but not now...and this time they may need me, and then again, like last time, they might not...their information usually comes in the form of rumors that later become true...i would know...or rather, Marines are always the first to go, and the last to know...that's a fact...i always just smile, grin, and grit my teeth every time some asshole says "Marines are expendable"...we wish we were, and people wonder why we kill everything we see...there i go again, saying "we"...well, once a Marine, always a Marine...had a couple of drinks with the Bud Light girl, and after three or so months, i was the first to finally know her real name...chatted briefly with my favorite Hooters girl, came home...pondered...do i even care about my school project anymore? i don't know, i'm lost...hmm, i'm an hour and 25 minutes late to work, and i don't seem to care...

too much power!!!...

alrighty...so a few of my instructors already forewarned me a year ago...yes, the time has come to build all kinds of cool shit...so i was working on my projects, looking stuff up back and forth since the text is a bunch of shit (i'm adding that to my list of complaints)...this quarter just hasn't been all that great...especially with instructors that don't admit when they're wrong...fuck 'em...so i've been working on this damn amplifier...and i decided to even buy some extra parts so see if it will work...i hook everything up, all is well...xcept one minor calculation...i had too much juice coming out and nothing to balance it out with...BAM!!!...and to think, maybe later on i will be building weapons of mass destruction, lol...fuck this, i'm going to Hooters...maybe even run into the Bud Light gal...she's cool...always gives me key chains tho...

the good, the bad, and the ugly...

The Good: no work todayThe Bad: i have school to go toThe Ugly: test todayfuck, i haven't studied like i was supposed to...i have two classes that are very much alike...one teaches about computer logic and devices, etc....and the other teaches...well, almost the same thing but puts and emphasis on amplifiers, and other things that go boom...time to study quickly...AND, OR, NOR, NAND, XNOR, XNAND...dammit...

blessings...

today i was chastised...completely unexpected, caught me off guard...i had a run in with someone who remembered me during the L.A. days...that was a totally different person...today i learned that human nature can change, and that it's never too late for forgiveness...years ago, i made this person's life a living hell...me, along with my father, made this family suffer...i honestly didn't know who was more afraid when i saw this person...i was recognized...it isn't often that i tie my hair back when i'm in the public eye...something i used to do...and it was something that allowed me to be recognized today...along with two distinguishing marks on my face...i hate what i've done, the damage that i've caused....and i'll admit that even now, i haven't fully cleaned up my act...i want to...and that's a start...today i was forgiven...but who knows wha the future holds, and if i will be forgiven again...i had a choice, in life, we all do...and i chose wrong...i'm sorry...

things get worse before they become bad.

this has been an interesting week. i was supposed to go to L.A. last saturday, just as i am supposed to be there about three hours ago...i never made any promises anyway...it's a three-day weekend, so who knows, i might change my mind...some shit hit the fan at sabbat, a "misunderstanding," even though it seemed clear as day to me...and in the end it's apparently all my fault...at first, i had lost hope that this is the way my kindness is repaid, i had thought that this is the way it's supposed to be...because this wouldn't be the first time something like this has happened...i was very fortunate to have been proven wrong...it isn't often that friends come to my rescue without me asking for help, but i was glad that they did...i have pride, and it takes me a very long time for me to throw in the towel and admit defeat...drinks went all around, and drinks were bought for me too...i walked away knowing the value of my friendship...thank you all, you know who you are...monday was alright, until i went to school...then all hell broke loose...we are at the midpoint and plenty of us are still confused...again, no "A" for this class...i have to settle for a "B"...sucks...tuesday was awesome...still in a bit of a gloomy mood, i was on my way to Hooters to join my Marine buddies for a bit of trivia and win some more prizes, when mistresabsynthe abducted me for an impromptu night out...we terrorized the gaslamp, la jolla, then dave and busters...things are sooooo much better when they aren't planned...first we wandered the huge mall and checked out hot topic, where i introduced her to a cool caffeinated drink called Vamp...of course, it's for "when the sun goes down"...then i said hello to my friends at downtown hooters, hit up a sushi place in the area, then got lost and couldn't find my ride...to the inexperienced person, it's easy to get lost in the gaslamp...we were headed in the opposite direction until someone showed us the error of our ways...so later we tried to hit up tower records in la jolla, only to find out the hours have changed...they close at midnight only on fridays and satudays...sucks, it used to be my hangout place when i had nothing to do at Miramar...and it's been a while since i saw the Mormon temple...i still find it very intriguing...dave and busters was hella fun too...a couple of margaritas for each of us and off we were, drinking and driving...legally of course...and i'm still a better shot at the gun games, stayed there 'til they kicked us out...then came over to my place so that she could steal my Dita Von Teese, Loaded magazine and borrow a huge stack of my DVD's...hmm, i still have too many movies, lol...i hardly rent anymore, i just buy...wednesday, work, school, repeat....thursday, work, study, was hoping to see the Shaolin warriors perform but didn't want to go stag...ditched, went to 80's for a bit.Friday, work, school, Therapy, rinse, repeat...had some interesting chat about the Governator, yes, i voted for him...funny how some people just want a reason to bitch, cry, and moan...no, i'm not always right, but i had a very good debate teacher who taught me how to justify just about anything...which is the EXACT reason some lawyers are able to get murderers, rapists, and thieves off the hook...with that in mind...i expressed my opinion that people rally behind one actor who took a stand againsts the president, Martin Sheen, and maybe some people forgot that he only plays the president on TV, and now another actor takes a stand against a governor and gets a lot of support, similar to Martin, yet, once he gets elected, people start going "oh shit, it worked!" and they cry that he's just an actor...big fuckin' deal, give the guy a chance, then cry...if he sucks, then recall his ass too...and who knows, after watching Demolition Man, he might be President, haha...this morning...tired, sore, and hungry...need steak and eggs...oh yeah, forgot to mention...the Bud Light chick...she's a hottie...i think i like her more than the Hooter's gal, hehe...

Greed

The point is, ladies and gentlemen, is that greed, for lack of a better word...is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms -- greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge -- has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed -- you mark my words -- will not only save Teldar paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the U.S.A.