this just can't be...not again...

so i had a good time with friends this morning...breakfast, then the farmer's market where we found some very cool stuff, and i took a very strange picture...but now, i get home and find some startling news...at first i joked at the idea that my "brethren" are in trouble...well, they really are in trouble right now...some have been evacuated, and others are coming in to help get their personal belongings out of there...Marines really are a Band Of Brothers...one of us is in trouble, ten more will come to help...i asked if i could help, but they tell me that i might not be able to get there if i tried...my best goes out to them, and those that have lost much this day...again, all i can do, is wait...

rude awakenings...

for a second there i thought i was living in L.A. again...the red sky, no sun...and i got awakened by the sound of a siren...cop pulled up to the alleyway "San Diego Police, Open the door!!" then some yelling some struggling...and this guy got arrested, got put in the back, and man does this guy have a pair of lungs...even with the windows rolled up, i could hear him yelling loud and clear...i thought they were killing him or something...

R

hmm, pirate party....not what i expected...for all the hype, and the success of the other events...this one (in my own opinion) blew chunks...Argh! you say? i know i was...out of frustration, and no, not in that way...i wasn't the only one that thought so either, i knew many that decided to "abandon ship"and to quote one of my lady friends, "this party is so ghey!"i wasn't able to because i didn't go stag...well, i did and i didn't...i took a friend of a friend since i didn't want the ticket to go to waste...surprisingly, she was actually looking for me when i did my disappearing act...i just thought i'd leave her with her best friend, i guess i was wrong...lines everywhere, super long, drinks, very overpriced and watered-down, and the music...well what can i say? i'm not a Britney Spears fan (well, maybe just her looks, not her music)...and i was often overhearing others saying that they will never go to another Brotherhood party again...that's where i stepped in and tried to change their minds...not everyone can be happy, we all have our good days, and our bad days...with that in mind...now i will at least get on to the good things that happened today...the pre-flight party across the street at the Holiday Inn...met a bunch of cool people who gave me drinks and got me a good buzz before the party started...got to spend lots of time chatting away with friends in line after line, and way in the back away from the bad music...lots of good conversations...costumes...totally dug the costumes i saw, took a few pics, shoulda taken more...i got lots of props for my outfit, many, many thanx go out to those that liked it, especially those that recognized who the hell i was...then there was the after-party dinner at Denny's...again, good conversations with friends, good and happy times freaking out the customers with our various costumes...we had Scorpion, a pimp, a mobster, a doctor, and of course, a pirate...all in all, i'd say that my evening was split down the middle...basically a draw, lol...i'll have to see how this new year's eve party goes...

a look into the future...

again, i thought this evening was going to go well...i had planned on staying home after school and putting the finishing touches on "Scorpion"...but after a conversation with someone from my past, i just wanted to scream, i knew i had to calm down...a nap usually does it, this time it only helped...i tried to keep from drinking too much, but with the many thoughts that came to my head, it was almost impossible...in my own way, i wanted to supress that demon i keep hidden behind my eyes...the last thing i want to do right now is to lose myself...and even then, i wondered if i in fact am myself when i talk to people...i wonder too much why more often than most, my kindness is answered with hate...what causes someone to do that? or even, what am i doing to cause such behavior in others?...i don't want to be that person from my past...it was fate that caused me to lose all memory of him, and it was curiousity that ended up bringing him back...i wanted to know who i was, and suddenly i didn't want to know him anymore...i remember the last time i lost it...i remember the look on the guy's face, the look of fear...i remember how helpless everyone around me felt as i pummeled his face into the concrete...no one wanted to get near me because i would end up turning on them...the guy on the ground was in fact one of them, he wasn't my primary target...he got involved, and i crushed him...he was innocent...father once told me that man can live on vengeance alone, and it becomes addicting...he was completely right...i was gifted with a strong mind...and that's what actually worries me the most, is the fact that i know how to play this game...i have too many demons haunting me...and as much as i want to expel every single one of them, it's people like her that give me a reason to keep those demons around...and i can only think of one way to supress them...very sad...

how amusing...

it doesn't surprise me that once again i am the one being blamed for shit going down...

old wounds...

i'm still trying to heal...and i am reminded of my scars...then i see them open up fresh again...i don't know if i will ever heal...

hired help?...

got another job offer, this time a bit closer to home...this time it's in Oceanside...i declined the interview and everything because i've come to realize a lot of things...What company would allow me to be two hours late for work and still allow me to come home early? What company would keep me employed, even when there is no work to be found? What company would allow me to dress and act the way i do without getting into any trouble? Allow me to sleep on the job and everything else, just as long as i got the job done. period.MY company, that's who!...i luv my job, and i should learn to appreciate it more...after work i decided to pay redpooka a visit, maybe even loan her my gameboy with a few games or so...once i got there, she was in the process of being transfered...funny, everyone was getting out of my way and treating me like an FBI agent...i forgot to take off my work tag...it makes me look important sometimes, hehe...anyway, she sure had a lot of stuff...i made myself useful and helped her mommy carry all of her stuff to the car, she would have never done that by herself in one trip, sure was kinda heavy too...i tried meeting up with them at Kaiser Permanente Zion, where she is at now, but i got there before any of them since i knew the backroads well and traffic sucked...didn't do me any good trying to find out where she would be staying since i didn't know her last name...so i got a bagel, grabbed some java and headed home via more backroads...for those that don't know how to get there, 8 freeway to 15N, Friars Rd East, turns into Mission Gorge, make a right on Zion, flip off the Vons protesters and turn right...yeah, i'm evil...i flipped off the workers after i found out that i pay a hell of a lot more fees than they do, and i'm single...bastards should feel lucky they aren't being used as much as my company uses me...at least i already stated the tradeoffs there...my company uses me and pays me my wage (significanly lower than someone that actually DOES have a degree) and i get the job done. period.

rise and shine...

well, i went to work yesterday super early and still got there late...i've realized that i'm always going to start my work at 8ish no matter what because of the fuckin' long ass line trying to get into the Naval Station, so fuck it...and OMIFREAKINBUDDHA!!!!! i just realized that i got 4 out of 6 number in the Cali Lottery!!!!!!!...two more numbers and i could have been 76 Million richer...oh well, jackpot's up to around 90some million now...time for me to get another ticket and think of numbers again...strange, i based my numbers entirely on mathematics and probability formulas...so yeah, i used a calculator...damn...i don't have my glasses yet and i'm already proving myself a nerd...blast it, i'm putting on my contacts now...such a bitch to put on too...just when i think i got it, i notice the lens is on my finger...ugh...

stress + frustration = ?

fuck, i've just about had it with these two instructors...i thought it was just me, but when someone you knew who was also an "A" student is struggling, then i know something is up...i'm just about ready to quit this damn school, but i'm already halfway through...fuck it...i never quit...

more than expected on a sunday...

so started of the day with bagels...cool...got there a bit late because of my contacts...i struggle so much putting them on...afterwards i went to Starbucks...and as a disclaimer, i am not abandoning the ninja clan, i swear...anyway, i joined what i like to call the "Video Game" group, since a good majority of them are in one way or another involved in making them...then i walked around the mall, still looking for a date for this saturday, hehe...found a potential one at Hot Topic, that's a plus...still gotta get word from the Bud Light chick...bought a few goodies, including the new Batman game...it's very much like the Hunter: Reckoning game, only it has Batman, Robin, Nightwing, and Batgirl...very good game so far...did my laundry, cleaned my room...was debating on going to the air show despite heavy traffic...didn't...finished putting the glow in the dark stars on my ceiling...a constant reminder of my L.A. friends...the way we used to sit near the Hollywood letter and talk about anything and everything...get high, drunk, fuck, etc.later on in the evening, i was joined by mistresabsynthe for a round of coffee, sanwiches, and cheesecake at Lestat's where i first saw katerwaul who told us that Mr. namey was outside...so he got a text message that said "go inside" or something like that...got on some very good conversations about anything and everything, and gave her some air show stuff...there are just some things that i find a lot of beauty in, that i want the world to know and remember such things...there are some events in life that should never be forgotten...even events that happened when i wasn't even born...i have a handful of reminders of past wars...including this recent Gulf War 2, Vietnam, and The Battle Of Tarawa...i gave away my volcanic ash from The Battle of Iwo Jima...you know, that famous picture where the Marines are raising that American flag on top the mountain? no? then do your homework...hopefully i can find some soil from The Battle of Bellau Wood...anyway, off to go into my coffin...