a look into the future...

again, i thought this evening was going to go well...i had planned on staying home after school and putting the finishing touches on "Scorpion"...but after a conversation with someone from my past, i just wanted to scream, i knew i had to calm down...a nap usually does it, this time it only helped...i tried to keep from drinking too much, but with the many thoughts that came to my head, it was almost impossible...in my own way, i wanted to supress that demon i keep hidden behind my eyes...the last thing i want to do right now is to lose myself...and even then, i wondered if i in fact am myself when i talk to people...i wonder too much why more often than most, my kindness is answered with hate...what causes someone to do that? or even, what am i doing to cause such behavior in others?...i don't want to be that person from my past...it was fate that caused me to lose all memory of him, and it was curiousity that ended up bringing him back...i wanted to know who i was, and suddenly i didn't want to know him anymore...i remember the last time i lost it...i remember the look on the guy's face, the look of fear...i remember how helpless everyone around me felt as i pummeled his face into the concrete...no one wanted to get near me because i would end up turning on them...the guy on the ground was in fact one of them, he wasn't my primary target...he got involved, and i crushed him...he was innocent...father once told me that man can live on vengeance alone, and it becomes addicting...he was completely right...i was gifted with a strong mind...and that's what actually worries me the most, is the fact that i know how to play this game...i have too many demons haunting me...and as much as i want to expel every single one of them, it's people like her that give me a reason to keep those demons around...and i can only think of one way to supress them...very sad...